Ideas That'll Change the World Forever (again)
ways the world will be a better place in the future (or so they'd have you believe if you're not paying attention)
Refugee’s Got Talent
Country of Origin: UK
[BBC 1 Headquarters: A new show is pitched, unironically.]
What do you do when half your country thinks that those brown men pouring in from the Middle East are thugs and rapists who need to be kicked out, and the other half thinks they are refugees who need to be sheltered by the very nation that bombed their home? You of course get your pockets heavier on all this hate and divide the best way you can: with a Simon Cowell mentored, Jake Whitehall hosted, multi-brand sponsored national reality television program.
Presenting Refugee’s Got Talent. 7 droned nations, 18 hopeless refugees, one coveted british citizenship. Will Javed get a chance to call Elizabeth his Queen? Or will it be Rabiah who gets to sip on some tea and dip in some biscuits with an englishwoman’s pride? Maybe it will be Tahir who gets to watch Olivia Colman score another Emmy with The Crown.
From the makers of ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ and the editors of all the tragic backstories of its contestants, comes another show that will make the upper classes more upper by getting the lower classes to compete against each other for your very middle class entertainment.
Watch Fatima explain how NATO gunned down her husband while he was buying milk for their family of three, and then watch her sing an Iraqi folk song that makes you call her a terrorist and get her eliminated. Then watch Omer and Burhaan try their hands on cricket while also guessing the correct Beatles songs. Only the most British of these foreigners will win.
So what are you waiting for? Join us for the world premiere of Refugee’s Got Talent, this Sunday on BBC 1.
Neo-PR Firms
Country of Origin: India
[A start-up recently secured VC funding. You're listening to the founder's celebratory address.]
“Welcome to the launch of PRI, the future of Public Relations. At Personal Relations Ltd, we believe the needs of Netflix, Nike and Narendra Modi are not that different from yours or mine. Whether to engage with your audience, your voter or your partner, a little help can go a long way. That’s why starting this year, we are bringing Edelmann’s decades of PR expertise to your homes.
“Our top analysts work round the clock to figure the best disaster management strategies for any and all troubles in your lives. No more should you worry about a divorce after your affair is uncovered. Remember how furious the public was after tobacco companies’ claims of health benefits had gotten busted? Us neither. There never was any backlash. That’s what good PR does. It retains trust, it sustains belief. It can make a banker fall in love with a robber, even pay him to rob the bank. There’s no reason for normal humans like you and I to be deprived of the same chance with the loved ones in our lives.
“We’ve already run trials in Bangalore. Here’s our favorite testimonial: ‘Hi. I’m Sanjay. I’ve spent my 40s staring at the bottom of beer tumblers, was never really there for my daughters, failed as a dad in more ways than one. I wish I had PR Ltd back then, but then it’s never too late. For the last ten months, they’ve been managing my communications with Nicki and Isha. Once a week they call them with my voice filter, and they ask them about their lives. They send them good morning messages, and monthly presents to pamper. Nicki was so overwhelmed by the apology they wrote on my behalf, she said that’s all she’d ever wanted. Meanwhile I can still work on my drinking problems without having to worry about losing my daughters’ trust or respect. I even get to keep up with their lives based on all the data their team mails me every week. The world really needs PR Ltd, there’s no reason our imperfections as human beings should stop us from having fulfilling lives with those who matter.’
“So, there. You saw it. It is that easy. For just 5999 a month, we will strategize the best communication strategies you need for a perfect relation with your friends, family or even your boss. For 7999 a month, we will execute these strategies for you. Human relations no longer have to be limited by who you are. Personal Relations Ltd. The future of human relations.”
Carbon-Neutral Weapons of Mass Destruction
Country of Origin: USA
M E M O
! Confidential !
For Internal Circulation Only
For all the bounties our great nation gives, it’s tough managing a business of war on one hand while on the other appreciating the freedoms it offers an average Joe. No matter how loudly you warn Americans about the communist terror, the drug terror or the islamist terror, sooner or later some self-entitled Smedley Butler or some Elsberg or some Assange comes along to “enlighten” the masses on how “all war is a racket”. Everything is a racket, if you ask me. I will pay you to name something that isn’t done for money, irony and all granted.
Saving American business interests has never been more important, what with Venezuela and Iran colluding to attack the petrodollar, and China ready to overtake our economic might. And yet we have a growing population of Gen X’s, Y’s and Z’s who want us to lower the defence budget, and to stop buying weapons from the private sector.
At Lockhead Martin, we have been proudly supplying drones, missiles and warships to this great nation for over two decades now, and our team of consultants has been working with our R&D team to develop just the right weapons to gain the acceptance of the ever increasing pacifist american populace. We believe that the right team of lobbyists, strategists and political allies can help us sustain, or even increase, our profit margins, and continue selling defense solutions in the face of this new homegrown anti-war consensus.
Below is a portfolio of some of the weapons that have passed our beta trials. Former General Dunford will be our lobbyist to the Pentagon, and we’re hoping to sign a two-trillion defense contract deal with the incoming Biden administration. I request all board members to go through the portfolio once, to familiarise themselves with the products, so as to be fully prepared for communications with the budget officials.
James D Taiselet
CEO, Lockhead Martin
Portfolio enclosed below
Highly Confidential: New Defense Strategies, Pentagon (For Pitch, Defense Budget 2021)
Botanic Drones
While drone strikes are capable of wiping out a whole of village with one blow, the environmental impacts of such attacks can be severe for the fertility of the soil. Lockhead Martin’s patent botanic drones store native seeds within the drone’s rear at optimum temperatures, and inject seeds into the soil once the drone has neutralized all terrorists. The GMO seeds are specially designed to use the nutrients from human meat and blood to grow over a soil that would otherwise be rendered a desert. For every drone fired, we can now grow an orchard over the arabic lands. Not only are we cleansing the world off terrorists, but we also help fight climate change at a time of peak catastrophe.
Diversity-Themed Warships
For ages, war has been considered a violent, testosterone-charged barbaricity. Lockhead Martin’s patent Diversity-themed warships challenge this notion by making war machines inclusive.
The war missiles are specially designed to leave behind a trail of rainbows in the sky to pay homage to our many LGBTQIA+ army officers. Our special break-the-chain hand grenades only explode once you remove the chain-themed pins. With every grenade blown, a black veteran is kept in our memories. Our diversity warships are also the first ever warships to be pink in colour to honour the many women officers who sacrifice their lives for this great nation. By making warships more inclusive, we are making war more progressive.
Solar Powered Nuclear heads
Atomic bombs may cause the world to undergo a nuclear winter, but that is no reason to sit our hands on carbon emissions. Transporting and storing nuclear warheads is a very energy-intensive task, and we have developed a patent tech to make it a fully carbon-neutral process. Lockhead Martin logistics can now help deliver an eco-friendly alternative to our competitors' unplanetary war tech.
You have reached the end of the portfolio.
Images included on the other side.